On the wrong side of #metoo

Once upon a time, many years ago, in college, I had 3 roommates; 2 guys and another girl. I had known the guys for several years and the girl more recently. They didn’t know each other at all. All was well until the guys sense of humor and teasing became too much /not funny for her. She moved out. That seemed OK. We got another roommate.

Then she filed a restraining order and everything went beyond insane. 

My best friend, one of the guys’ girlfriends, and I became labeled as supporters of the enemy, the evil male harassers.  The female roommate was labeled a feminist hero or a crazy bitch depending on your crowd. It was confusing. And horrible. Nothing made sense. I loved my friends. They were just being silly guys. Or was I blind to the pain of another woman?

Eventually it all ended. And life went on. 

Until a few weeks ago. A politician I had admired for many years was accused of sexual harassment. I was stunned. And again, confused. This guy’s credentials were impeccable. He was a huge supporter of women’s and gay rights. He had dedicated his career to fighting for those in need; the poor, the sick, animals, and the environment.

And I had more than admired him from afar. I had volunteered on 2 of his campaigns, one quite recently. I had spent several hours in his company and never heard or saw anything that seemed inappropriate. The more time I spent with him the more I liked and admired him.

Yes, he had a wickedly funny sense of humor but nothing those of us with funny friends or coworkers or family members haven’t experienced. Maybe just funnier.

And I started to wonder...was it wrong to think there is a difference between physical touching, exposure, or having ones’ job threatened and hearing jokes we don’t think are funny?  I hadn’t heard any inappropriate humor from him but it doesn’t seem unreasonable that it might have occurred. I can’t think of one job I ever had in which off color humor didn’t occur. Hasn’t every adult who has worked? Sometimes you laughed and sometimes you groaned. Is that so terrible?

And does even thinking that, much less saying it out loud, put me on the wrong side of this issue? Does questioning what I read, does feeling confused make me insensitive to the pain of others? If I didn’t know this person, if I didn’t like his politics, would I ever question the statements of another woman? Have I thrown away all my feminist ideals because once again the accused is someone I know and like?

Is there even an answer?

Easy ways to speak out & be heard...

A friend fell in Philadelphia on the day of the GOP visit. Three sparkly unicorns rushed over to help her up. This week I, and I suspect many of us, has felt like laying down on the sidewalk and just waiting for a sparkly unicorn to help us back up. 

So, while we are waiting here’s some concrete things you can do. Hopefully, like me, you will feel better doing something positive. Most of this was ‘borrowed’ from Daylin Leach. So major thanks to him. 

The Indivisible Guide was written by former Congressional staffers to help you understand how Congress works and how you can affect it. You can use their website’s “Local Groups” feature to find local groups close to home. (https://www.indivisibleguide.com/)

Pick a site to get daily or weekly action alerts about how you can affect what’s happening in Washington D.C.  I’m using  Countable (https://www.countable.us/) , but Daily Action, re:act, and The 65 are all equally good. 

Few things are more effective than calls to your legislators to advocate for issues you care about.  I signed up for Five Calls. (https://5calls.org/)

The website lists current issues, displays your legislators’ contact information, and provides you with a sample script for each issue. Give it a try.

Volunteer or donate to prominent groups that will put up a fight: American Civil Liberties Union, Southern Poverty Law Center, Planned Parenthood Action Fund, the Delaware Riverkeeper Network, are a few good ones. 

Help the press hold leaders accountable by subscribing to media outlets that do investigative journalism: ProPublica, New York Times, and Washington Post are reliable.

Over five million people around the world participated in the Women’s March on Washington on January 21^st. Help continue their good efforts by signing up for their fist 100 days of action. (https://www.womensmarch.com/100). See what they’re doing and join in.

Perhaps we can be our own sparkly unicorn. 

Daylin's Resistance Forum...

I had the pleasure of attending Pa. State Senator Daylin Leach’s Resistance Forum last Wednesday and thought I’d share some of what I heard and thought.

First, so wonderful that over 800 people showed up. It’s attendance like that along with watching the tens of thousands of people marching in cities all over the world today that give me hope and reassure me that this country is still a wonderful place. The last eight years have been so moving we just forgot that progress is almost always two steps forward and one (sometimes big) step back.

If you have never had the pleasure of hearing Daylin Leach speak I highly suggest remedying that as soon as possible. In addition to hearing him speak on a few occasions I was also privileged to volunteer for him when he ran for Alyson Schwartz’s Congressional seat in 2014.   He is smart, funny, dedicated, authentic and determined; attributes all too rare in today’s politics.

Some major take aways…

Should I panic?

While it’s important to not lose hope your fear isn’t unwarranted. Democracies can fail. Two current signs that our democracy is being threatened.

One.  Attempts by those in power to undermine and de-legitimize the media by calling them names and limiting their access to power.

A free press isn’t free. Investigative reporting costs money. Subscribe to a respected newspaper. If you can, subscribe to two. Do not circulate false or un-substantiated news stories even if they support your world view.  

Two. The threatening of violence against those who speak out.

 Stand up for those who need it. You can do this by volunteering for organizations who help those most threatened by the current political climate (immigrants, Muslims, women, the Earth). If you can’t give one day a week, or one day a month, then write a check. The amount matters less than the act of giving. Organizations that can show a wide level of support from their community find it easier to obtain grants.

How can I effectively make a Difference?

The government was designed with a system of checks and balances. Currently, we have a single party in control of two branches of the federal government, the majority of the governors’ offices and state legislatures. SO the only checks have to come from the people. Citizen activism works.

Facebook, tweets, online petitions are fine but the most effective method is direct contact with your Representative.

Your representatives are concerned with being re-elected. They pay attention to the voices of their constituents. So, let them know when you object to something and when you approve of something. You don’t need to be an expert on the topic. Simply call, identify yourself as a voter in their district and (briefly) tell the staffer answering the phone how you feel. They count the contacts and let the Rep know.

Even better than a phone call is a visit to their office or showing up at their town hall meeting or any public appearance.

When you speak out, in public, online, or among friends, focus on policy not on your personal feelings about a public figure. Focus on the gaps between promises made and actions being taken.  Remember that there is a difference between what offends people and what affects them. Focus on what affects them.

And as one speaker reminded us, if you don’t think one person can make a difference remember David took down a giant with only a small pebble and a sling shot.

Not sure who your Congressional Representative is or how to contact them? Use this link:

http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/